Laura Learns to Drive Standard

My friend Laura asked me to help her learn how to drive standard. For the first time, she is the new owner of a car and it happens to be standard. I leapt at the opportunity. I really enjoy teaching people and driving standard can be very stressful if you aren't confident. An earlier attempt to learn from her boyfriend had proved disastrous. (It is usually best to learn from someone a little more removed than boyfriends or fathers.)
Now, I should mention that Laura had lost her license. She lost it through inactivity - not by driving wildly and with wanton disregard for the safety of others. Far be it from me to hold a bureaucratic oversight over someone. So until she retakes her drivers test, she needs someone in the car with her while she drives. To me, that simply meant I would have to pick her up.
What I didn't know, and gentle reader I must hope that you believe me here, is that there were actually three reasons she let her license lapse -
1. She was traveling or working abroad a lot.
2. She didn't have a car.
and 3. Driving kind of scares her.
Now that in itself isn't so troubling. And to be honest, she got the hang of the clutch fairly quickly. Even hill starts didn't bother her. Well, that is unless people were looking at her. Which they would, since she crawled through their neighbourhood unwilling to break the 30k mark. I told her where third gear is, but to be honest she seems happy with 2nd. Actually, she seems happy driving like she is always looking for parking. And so I asked her, "Why do you want your license? When are you going to drive?"
"Sundays," she said. "I'd like to drive to church on Sundays."
That is when it hit me - the full weight of what I had done. I've lost all rights to complain. I was teaching that person. I was teaching a Sunday Driver.

The Borthwick

Somewhere out there is a man named Borthwick. He's a friend of my friend JP. And within their circle it was well known that during an evening out at a bar or something of the sort, he would - without warning - disappear. He would get tired and rather than announce that he was done and wanted to go home, he would quietly exit. A move like that gets you out of dealing with the cries of 'one more' or 'you can't leave yet, it's early'. For them, this social maneuver became known as simply 'the Borthwick'.

I have Borthwicked before and I'll do it again. It is a socially offside move, but at least there is pride in the decisiveness of it. 'The Wanless' however lacks that strength. It is the Borthwick with the added twist of announcing your intention to Borthwick. There isn't any pride in Wanlessing. It aims to please and yet is somewhat pathetic while trying to do so. It is less defiant and self-willed and more just throwing in the towel.

Some people try to Borthwick and fail. With the intention of going out the back door, they say things like I'm just going to the washroom. Not that that is a bad excuse. Personally, I would never sully a good Borthwick with that kind of clutter, but it can be effective and would still qualify as a Borthwick. That is ... if you are credible, if we in fact believe you are coming back.

And with that, Maxine, I say to you, "You Wanlessed."

Saboteur

Lyon, France - Interpol has recently released a travel alert to all single women between the ages of 19 and 32 to be aware of a very emotionally unavailable man possibly traveling under the assumed names of either Claudio Lopez or Kid Prof. Especially noted are women traveling with both an accent and a name notably inappropriate to said accent - for example any Spanish Jennifers or Italian Gertrudes should take particular care.
If you are wooed by this individual, be on the look out, particularly near the dates of January 9th, March 28th, and as the Canadian Festival of Labour approaches, for signs of emotional sabotage and mental distancing. Do not be distracted by possible plans to meet in very remote countries at vague dates in the future.
While considered mostly harmless, this man may be carrying far more baggage than is apparent.
If you see this man today, kindly wish him a Happy Birthday.

My Ghost of Christmas Past

I think it is funny how small things can haunt you. Every Christmas, after opening all my presents, I am always scared to throw out the wrapping paper. I gather it all to one side carefully. Not careful in the way of a grandmother that doesn't want to ruin such lovely paper and wants to reuse your dollar store gift wrap. No, careful more like a customs official. I scrunch every bit of discarded wrap like I'm patting down a known criminal. I'm paranoid that I'll throw out a gift with the garbage - a baby with the bath water so to speak. All because one year I killed C3PO.
As a kid I remember getting a pile of Star Wars action figures while staying at my grandparents and for some reason in my gift frenzy I neglected to take C3PO out of his package. My grandparents lived on the third floor of high rise and before I noticed I had a man down, the empty packages were jettisoned down the garbage chute. The irony of C3PO landing in a trash compactor was not lost on me, even then. The horrible twist being that it was an incinerator.
Funny how it's small things that stick with us.

Our New Christmas Ball

Donna and I inherited a lot of ornaments from my parents. We always had a motley crew of decorations on our Christmas tree. Growing up with lights strung together from different eras and generations of decorations hanging from the tree, I have never been fond of the designer trees. You know the kind. Three styles of ornaments repeated throughout the tree. Each of them chosen from a theme. Very pretty in a hotel lobby, but in my world they lacked that sense of family and history and perhaps nostalgia. I'm sure that some of the ornaments I have are hideous. My arts and crafts kindergarten gingerbread leaves a lot to the imagination. But each one (including the reindeer with missing antlers) is special. Each one has a story and although I would need my mother to tell them all to you, I know they have one. Some are simply beautiful in their own right. Delicate jewels that date as far back as the 20's and 30's.
With that in mind, Donna and I have bought a single ornament for each year we've had a tree together. This is our third.

No Parking on Park Benches

I have really romantic notions around park benches. I think of them as a critical part of the mosaic that can transform a few city blocks from an anonymous grid of houses and shops into a neighbourhood.
To the north of our apartment is great stretch of park littered with benches - many of them looking out to the sea with the mountains and the downtown peninsula as a backdrop. We sometimes go down to the water at sunset with a coffee. I wouldn't dare complain about these benches. They are comfortable enough, wooden benches. Although they are designed for three they rarely hold more than two people. It isn't these benches that irk me.
Up the hill to the south of us is our stretch of shops. It is a cute neighbourhood. Far from any mall, it offers a great variety of unique stores. People tend to walk up and down the six or more blocks that it stretches. While I don't get tired on the way and need a spot to rest, some surely do. And while it isn't the place to watch the sunset, it still has a pretty side to it. So I have to stop and wonder what our city was thinking with there newest installation of benches.
Take this bench for example. It is caught between popular sections of the main street and is pushed off to the side street. At first I thought, with the gravel patch around it, that it was something as utilitarian as a bus stop, but there are no buses on this sidestreet. And while I'm not that fond of a backless bench at a bus stop, it would be better than nothing. Instead this bench is for everyone.
Is it meant to entice you to sit for a while and gaze out at the intersection? Notice that this backless metal bench is subdivided into three equal sections. Are we to think that the popularity of this bench is so high that it needs to be partitioned. Why would our government install this bench? Certainly not for people to sit on. Is it meant to be decoration?

Science World Leaking?

I have often thought that Science World has been an ironic symbol for Vancouver. I recognize that it was built in that window of history where 'the future' meant geodesic domes and mono rails. I'm sure it made sense during Expo to build a big shiny ball for a building even if the interior layout wasn't particularly useful - it was futuristic, and an expo requisite. I'm also sure that the architect didn't know that the exoskeleton was going to reflect the ubiquitous scaffolding that clouds our city. Who knew then that someday Vancouver would spring a leak, or two, or twenty thousand.
I have always enjoyed the irony in having a symbolic building eternally draped in leaky-condoesque scaffolding. So when I saw our fair globe under its new canopy, I couldn't help but laugh. While I'm guessing that this is a cleaning or something equally boring, Science World looks to have joined the rest of this leaky city. If you look now, you'll find it draped in a great white cloth. What you mind find even more surprising is they have added scaffolding. Kind of funny looking when you think about it. I mean didn't Science World have its own built in.